Grumpy me ...

I didn't actually understand what I felt. I just wanted something and it turned out I am being selfish.

These are one of the few times that I hate myself... for being so touchy... for being so clingy... for being so tactless ...

for being so inconsiderate...

Yeah.. I am ashamed of myself. The tears you shed became my slap and knew instantly that I ruined your morning. It should have been a very gorgeous morning...

but I ruined it.

For that, I am sorry.

Of Seasons ...

As I was clearing my files, i came across this picture of a tree. The picture looks so sad. On the middle of a wide green space, it's the only thing that stands. It has been witness to the passing of seasons. Though it may appear withered and slowly living it's last days, I think it's life has not been sad and solitary. The sky, the sun and the ground are there to give the tree it's needs ... So can I totally say that it lived it's life with resignation and contentment?

Hope you heard the story about the phoenix.

Faith Hill - Breathe (Video)

feel good video ...

posting this song as it was requested ...



I can feel the magic floating in the air
Being with you gets me that way
I watch the sunlight dance across your face
And i've never been this swept away
All my thoughts just seem to settle on the breeze
When i'm lying wrapped up in your arms
The whole world just fades away
The only thing I hear
Is the beating of your heart

CHORUS:
Cause I can feel you breathe
It's washing over me
And suddenly i'm melting into you
There's nothing left to prove
Baby, all we need is just to be
Caught up in the touch
Slow and steady rush
Baby, isn't that the way that love's suppose to be
I can feel you breathe

In a way I know my heart is waking up
As all the walls come tumbling down
Closer than i've ever felt before
And I know, and you know
There's no need for words right now

CHORUS:

I can feel the magic floating in the air
Being with you gets me that way...

Walk me home ...

Nice sunset eh? Yes ... But you'd appreciate the place more during the day. To life, I think you know what I mean...

I had been raring to go home since I left my town last January of this year ... I want to go back home not because I need to unwind and catch up with the latest news in our place, but to have a date with my doctor ... I am scared, yes. But not long enough the sun will shine through these clouds and I will be unburdened.



And finally my walk home ... I hope. After being scared, after being anxious, I will find my way home. Please tarry awhile and walk me home.

==========

Thanks to Mark Dominic for the photos....
Photos: Surf Camp in Calicoan Island

On 8 ...

According to an article in Wikipedia, the word for "eight" in Chinese (Pinyin: bā) sounds similar to the word which means "prosper" or "wealth" (发 - short for "发财", Pinyin: fā). In regional dialects the words for "eight" and "fortune" are also similar, eg Cantonese "baat" and "faat".

There is also a resemblance between two digits, "88", and the shuang xi ('double joy'), a popular decorative design composed of two stylized characters 喜 (xi, 'joy', 'happiness')

Positive: Materialism, strength, tenacious, capacity for focused and sustained effort.

Negative: Ruthless, no thought for others, guilt ridden, bad luck.

In Chinese numerology, eight is the number of material success or failure. The number of Karma. Eight has to work hard, and often needs to do the same thing over before success is achieved. The Eight is a strong number, with the will, focus and drive to achieve its goals.Expressing its feelings doesn't come easy to the Eight, and it needs to avoid ill-health brought on by stress. Eight is a fine number, and often misunderstood by others less powerful than itself.
In Greek numerology, the number 8 represents power and sacrifice.

============

My abuelo told me that eight is an auspicious number since it's a number whose lines don't end, no cuts anywhere to end it. It's almost resembling a cycle, it goes up and it goes down and goes up again. But nonetheless he considers it lucky (it represents power, fortune and prosperity). But let's get real first... Power, fortune and prosperity? Nah! I'm not wishing much... Maybe a little wealth and health will be good enough.

Let's be more personal here .... hehehe

Reaching eight was never easy. There had been a lot of creased edges that had been ironed out, though some of those creases are still there. And I think no matter how hard we iron out those wrinkled edges, they're going to stay there to add flavor to the face of the quilt. The patches on this quilt has different colors, making sure that it serves the purpose of the quilt (which is to provide warmth) and also compliment the personality of the users.

Expressing feelings was not that hard. Though, there was always reserve in the way these feelings were passed through, subdued but present. There's tenacity even on the down low like gold beaten to airy thinness.

Looking back, it has been a crazy journey in making this quilt. It has been eight now. A lot more to go, more colors and more days to make this quilt worth having. We got cut only to be sewn again. It's not just us who made this quilt. Time helped us. Friends (errrr... and those who are not) did their share too. They deserve the warmest "thank you".

I guess, nous avons la chance en effet. Eight opens up the gate to nine and ten and so on and so forth. I'll hang on to this quilt now since I do not know what will happen in the future. One thing is sure, this quilt will warm my heart for years and years transcending eight.

The Dream ...

I admit, the place is really pretty. The sand is so fine that it feels like you are walking on velvet. I can feel the waves' soft movements, constantly lapping on my calves. The sun is slowly going down the horizon and the sky is turning hazy red and tangerine. Where could he be? Less people are on the beach now, mostly just combing the shoreline to unload their worries, bending occasionally to pick up something on the sand that they fancy... Maybe I should think less too.. I can feel the cold winds now, blowing my hair away from my face. The chill, something unwanted, but somehow I want more of it.

Where could he be? I have been sitting on this spot for 3 hours now, with someone to keep me company, his hands on my knees, talking, being silly, empty talk, unsure answers to open ended questions, no more questions please, uh-oh, he shot another one, cannot find an answer, my mind, it's floating somewhere ... somewhere else, it's with him. Wind, can you do me a favor?... Can you please carry me to him, wherever he may be ... Then I felt a finger tracing my arm then a saw a smile... Sorry, I need to go.

I struggled up the dunes with no sure footing, with his hand on my hips, then there you are staring at me, with that betrayed look on your face... I felt a hand hit me flat on my cheek, I spat but I can still taste my blood... It is not what you think it is... Eyes, open.. Slit eyed ... A bit dark ... Chest heaving, I'm losing ....No, no. Losing you, no! ... My hand scanned for something to hold ... Yeah, my bed ... Yeah, a dream... Breathe hard, settle... breathe easy now ...

Eyes slowly adapting to the dimness of the room, a form beside me, his head on my chest ... A familiar scent. O God, I thought I lost you.. You opened up your eyes and hugged me closer. You stared at something I cannot see, then you looked at me straight ... You said you just had a dream, in your dream you broke up with me ... Saw me with someone on the pool, careless, uncaring, not mindful ... You said you were hurt ... You said you were shamed ... You were still saying something when I touched your cheek to pull your head closer, but I felt water trickling down my palm ... Tears ...

Tears for my blood ... and the dreams .. we shared almost the same dream ... a trick! Or is it? I don't even care ... I think you know.

INSTALLING A HUSBAND ... From Phil

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications,which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail..

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate


========


Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: 'I Thought You Loved Me.exe' and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

About being YOU... About being ME

Adlai Stevenson:

I think that one of our most important tasks is to convince others that there's nothing to fear in difference; that difference, in fact, is one of the healthiest and most invigorating of human characteristics without which life would become meaningless. Here lies the power of the liberal way: not in making the whole world Unitarian [Universalist], but in helping ourselves and others to see some of the possibilities inherent in viewpoints other than one's own; in encouraging the free interchange of ideas; in welcoming fresh approaches to the problems of life; in urging the fullest, most vigorous use of critical self-examination.

I always find it funny when a friend I haven't seen in such a long time will tell me I have changed. A smirk will just appear on my face and tell them it's not true. I'm the same person. Just got fat... hehehe.... I may be a bit different but that little kid who used to throw slippers into a can and who had no hair until she turned 3 years old, is still the same kid.... Er... not a kid anymore but I assure you, I am still who I used to be.

I bumped into a friend who I haven't seen in a long while. We were all smiles and set a date because we have a lot of catching up to do. We were both eager to patch up the gap between us. Over dinner, she was looking at me like I had 3 heads. To be honest, we did not like each other to start with (we were high school freshmen when we first met). We talked about a lot of things over dinner (an early dinner), mostly about how things went through in high school and college, sharing laughs and old anecdotes about our teachers and classmates. Old issues resurfaced and here we are, hating each other over again. We lost the smiles on our faces and the air became tensed. She hated me for being laid back. I hated her for being so stiff. She hated me for being tolerant (she said tolerant people are prone to abuse). I hated her for being a skeptic. The meeting ended sour. She hated me for being this and that. I hated her for comparing me to her. What's written should not just be black and white. Everything everyone sees and feels have reasons. I cannot be you and you can't be me and that's it. And it's unnecessary for someone to just walk away because there is this vast facade between us that does not fit the picture (or for her, does not fit her standards for a misc en scene).

Everyone should take pride in his/her own being different. Variety is never boring. What's important is self-examination. You have to be your own critic and not of others because people lead lives, their own lives that is. One way or another, you are going to get tired of them not behaving the way you want them to and in the process get frustrated and walk out. Question is, did you get something out of it?

How about let's just co-exist? I will see things around you and you'll tell me what you see around me... That way, I'm getting something and so are you. You and me coexisting. We may not be the picture but we are part of the picture. Our friendship can be very beautiful if we just apply understanding, compassion and introspection on it. Pure friendship is not that complicated if you'll just let it be.

"Long Calls and Long Distance "

As I was browsing through a friend's blog, I stumbled into something interesting,though the title was not that catchy (LONG DISTANCE LOVE AFFAIR),and it's overused. I've had a long distance relationship once, (the person was away for 2 months) but I admit that it is not actually enough to test what we have because we were just barely into our second month. I am sure about what I feel, but I was not so sure if I can deal with the distance. Honestly, I am a touchy person. I want to feel the other person inside my arms and I draw comfort from that. I'll just quote her blog as we try to 'disect' her points.

A quote from the blog:

...... Today, we hardly have any excuse not to be able to communicate, what with all the unlimited texting and unlimited phone calls and all the sorts available in the telecommunications business. In short, just as long distance communication isn't as costly as before compared to the cheap means of communicating now, long distance relationships aren't as impossible to keep as compared before.
So why is it that most long distance relationships still doesn't work?

All means of communication now has become cheaper, yes. It's not good to blame the distance as the culprit for a failed relationship. So if a long distance relationship is not working, I'd blame the persons involved. Even under tight circumstances, if the persons involved in that relationship, are willing to work, they believe and make things happen according to how they want it to be, then everything will be ok. Now, I'm not saying that everything will be "smooth-ok". There will be times that sacrifices are necessary and even if you give up something, it will not give you the results that you were expecting. I've heard friends say that it's tiring to be keeping up with the distance because you have to make phone calls, write letters (pwede sad email, hehehe...) and I admit that you do have to spend your time, effort and money to close out the distance. And sometimes, your phone conversations don't end well (you fought over something) , or dugay abot imong snail mail (snail lagi so madugay jud na...) or imong email was redirected back to the sender. Frustrating, isn't it?

Quote na sad (some lines are edited to paraphase points):

..... lack of communication was the primary factor why these (sic...long distance relationship) kinds of relationships fall apart. We still hear lots of troubled hearts looking for answers why they lost their love. Some are asking why the person they loved the most don't love them anymore and still others ask why they are beginning to fall for someone else.Doesn't this make us realize that love is not just a matter of being able to communicate after all? We are still experiencing the same problems now as we did before, thinking that the barrier in the communication process was the main culprit in broken relationships.

So, let's establish as part of the argument that the lack of communication (not the distance) is the primary factor why long distance relationships fail. Hmmm... Yes, you know that you are on the other island, that a body of water (hmm... duh... island lagi) is between you and you can really feel the weight of his/her abscence and then you feel like your head is spinning and your stomach is starting to get upset (over na ni.. OA). How about if you just think of how things were when you were together? Just think of how her pinches hurt or how his underarm stinks ... hehehe... kidding. Anyway, maybe he/she left you something,say, hmm.. like accesories, a ballpen perhaps, an old sticky note. It's something you can touch. You were in his/her mind when he/she gave it, so it's like giving a part of oneself. Be happy (and contented) with what you have. Don't look at the things that you don't have because sakit lang sa buot.

Personally, I have to learn how to be contented with what I have too, letters niya and some pictures. I heard one friend say may rason kun kayano hiya mabalik ha iya hometown (there is a reason daw)... Yeah, the reason is that I need to be taught how to be happy with just my memories, the memories that I've made with the other person. My memories became my food, it fed my hunger. My memories also became my air, it keeps be breathing. My memories became my motivation in waking up and make some more memories. It was hard at first but it became natural eventually, and before I know it, we were talking hours (3-4 hours) on the phone.It also holds true with your memories of home, my memories of home is what makes me grounded, me being me. My memories are my sanctuary. It's where I cower just in case things start to fall apart (luckily we're still together).

My point is, to erase the distance, for you to feel that the other person is real, you'll have to believe in what you feel, breathe it and feel it. Now, you will not see the distance anymore, and time, effort and money will not matter . Everything has become natural and you'll always find a way.

Another quote from the blog (na naman):

....... I figured out the hard part is searching for the one person who would actually believe that you two can make it and respect you for your views. It's amazing how true love changes the perspective of a person. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not really one to say it with a period much more an exclamation point at the end of this sentence but I am quite sure I have had my share of long distance relationships and somehow I've figured out how it might just work.So how is it possible for long distance relationships to work if only one of the parties believe in it? It takes two to tango as the old saying goes.

Good point! Both parties should believe that you can make it, and both should be willing to work on it, though both of you stand on opposite extremes (but still love each other all the more for it... according to Jenny). Effort is needed to keep the line of communication between you open, constant effort that is. If everything for you has become natural, you will not see the effort you did. I'm just so lucky enough that I have found someone who believed in me and willing to make things work.

Now, back to my other world. :)

LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP by Emily Bronte

Love is like the wild rose-briar;
Friendship like the holly-tree.
The holly is dark when the rose-briar blooms,
But which will bloom most constantly?

The wild rose-briar is sweet in spring,
Its summer blossoms scent the air;
Yet wait till winter comes again,
And who will call the wild-briar fair?

Then, scorn the silly rose-wreath now,
And deck thee with the holly's sheen,
That, when December blights thy brow,
He still may leave thy garland green.

---0---0---0---

Don't read between the lines. Take the poem as it is...

For my "conscience" ....

We have been friends for 15 years now. I cannot thank you enough for the things you did for me, honestly. But let me say this, I am happy for you. I absolutely have no objections when it comes to things (or people) that can make you happy. Do whatever it is that is being pushed by your mind and heart, don't hesitate... Miss you very much.

And I'm looking forward to meeting him...

The House ....

Usually, when I'm tired, I just go home, prop myself on a chair and turn on the tv, have something cold to drink near me and just waste my time away. I like going home to a house that's clean and cozy... I like it when I open up the door, I see the floor clean and the house smells sweet. This kind of house makes me want to go home always and makes me want to go lanay the whole day.

Now, a friend is moving in with us and the idea is cool... Wow! So there's going to be four people, sharing the whole house. Time to look for a bigger crib. But here comes the dilemma, finding the right house.

When I got here (to Cebu) a couple of years ago, me and two other friends actually had a hard time looking for a house to rent. You might think, why a house and why not just take a room ... Well, we do not want to share the toilet and bath. We want to "own" the place, make it personalized. We finally found our first "right" house and lived there for 6 months. We liked the house because it is just a ride away from where we work and the water supply is okay. Public utility jeepneys goes through our place 24 hours. Unfortunately, the place comes with a "bonus", four ghosts.... all of them elementals, one big hairy guy with a protruding belly and a smell that can turn your stomach upside down, a "white" couple and a fleeting wall shadow. All in one house... sometimes they will do their own apparitions alternately. Samok kaau... Saun!

We decided to move out. Don't get me wrong. We moved out not because of the ghosts but because we were starting to accumulate things and the house is started to drip.. Hmmm, drip is actually an understatement.. The house started to develop its own waterfalls inside. So everytime it will rain, torrents of water will fall from the ceiling and here I am, drenched and raving mad because the owner of the house is not doing anything to resolve the problem. I can live with ghosts, but water pouring down on you while you are sleeping is big deal. Ok! Time to look for another house.

We found this house with 2 bedrooms just several meters away from our first one. I liked the house personally because the floor is tiled and so easy to clean, nya nay gate. The sink is okay and we can actually cook because there are several windows (not like the first one that the only window existing was the bedroom window). And I also liked the rooms because they are big enough for 3 people. The bathroom is big too. We also find the rent reasonable so we decided to have the house. And the most important thing is, the house does not have its own waterfalls... Taw-an sad sya na house but manageable because it was just an earthbound spirit of a 10-13 year old girl. Ok, enough with the ghosts! We had the house exorcised and she disappeared and the house felt lighter. It's like the house is breathing freely again...

And again, since we're going to have a new housemate, we will need a bigger house this time, one with 3 bedrooms on it. Honestly, I still need to help them find a house (starting to feel bad that I cannot help them look for a house). They already went around looking for one (without me since I cannot go with them because I am on the day shift and my friends work at night), found more than a couple but we still have to find the right one.

It's going to be a new experience... A new house and a new housemate... Hmmm... Cool. I'm cool with a new housemate (right, Cole?) but I'm not sure with the new house. I think I'll need incense again.

Going Neruda .... I Do Not Love You

XVII (I do not love you...)


I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.



A Pablo Neruda poem
translated by Stephen Tapscott

Morning breaks ....

I used to wake up to birds' chirping and branches swaying on my window. I had a big guava tree growing beside my bedroom window in our old house in Tacloban. I would find kingfishers and finches (don't know what type) taking shelter from the rain and from the heat of the sun on the tree. They will fly to and fro and it just warms my heart to see them. I will wake up at 5:30 in the morning and I would lie in bed just to watch them flying in and out of the tree. The house is still quiet at 6:30 A.M., though there are few people now on the street as I look out our sala window. I can smell the morning, still thick and a bit cold.

I need to have my dose of coffee. I would be stretching (still do it) as I walk to the kitchen to fix my coffee. Before I sit on my fave spot, I smell my coffee. Hmm... Just right. Then I sit beside the window overlooking the street. Everything is still calm. Provincial life is lazy and it drags you along with it. But it is something to look forward to when you are used to the hurly-burly of the city. You can really feel your muscles settling, just feel and look at things pass... Savoring the moment. Just like the wisp of smoke coming out of the cup of hot coffee, everything will soon "evaporate" and become the past. Then I ponder what happened last night...Did I had a good conversation with my siblings? Yes, I did and I still have their thoughts on mine... Did I do something good (just for the heck of doing it) last night? Yes, I cleaned my room of dust that had been accumulated for almost a year (when I could ask someone else to do it for me)... Did 'we' had a fight last night? Mmmm... I don't think so. All I know is I am looking forward to seeing you again, look into your eyes again, run my hands on your face again ...

"Set, you should still be in bed", said my mom as she sits beside me, dragging her chair closer. It's ok mom, I miss this that's why I'm up so early. Now, there are two coffeeholics staring out of the window. There are also an exchange of stories about people and events... Miss it too.

Everything's going to be ok. Morning breaks everything and start over again.

VIP rooms of regret .....

Is it alright to have VIP Rooms of Regret in our lives?

I know it's a bit late for me to post an article about my birthday. But I cannot shake off the thought that I just turned 30 and I still feel I need to do a lot of things before I say bye-bye (which I feel is going to be sooner than what I am expecting).

Nothing much happened on that day that I turned a new lease on my life... I spent the day with my migraine, received a gift (although I do not like getting gifts, I always anticipate things nga gikan niya, don't care if it's insy-weensy in size). And also spent the next day with my migraine too because it was our monthsary (just turned 5 months and still counting). I am happy with my migraine and this is just the way I want things to be.

My birthdate actually was the time that I started talking deeply with myself again. I can observe that my patience don't last a mile these days when I can normally endure a day of battering without getting ticked off. It's easy to blow my top off these days and honestly I cannot even find reasons for it.

Since my birthday, I had been talking to a friend (Macy, my own personal shrink,took psychology and struggled to reach the finish line) and she is suspecting that I'm either slowly sinking into depression or burning out... I'm not sure which of the two is happening (could be both) but nonetheless the thought that what I feel are symptoms of either of the two, is scary. I don't want to fall into depression again because I've been there and it's very ugly. Depressed people are in a way twisted and I know how that feels. I thought,oh no, not that way again. If I just feel that I'm burning out, it's going to be okay because I can just take a leave and immerse myself into oblivion and come back, start over again fresh. Sometimes, I would look at my migraine and think that I have a lot to thank for. I am lucky, yes I am.

So here's the question again... Is it alright to have VIP Rooms of Regret in our lives?

Life is too short to be spent on regrets (.......heard this line from my Abuelo) and it's just right that I don't give up on myself that easy. Ok! You can say it is easier said than done but hey, at least give it a good fight. I just refuse to be relegated to the background and wallow because I know I will not get anything from that. I need to be a friend to myself. Some people love me and I do not see any reason why I should not love "me"........ I apologize to those people who gets a taste of how blunt I can be, it's unintentional.

I can just hope that I can shake these ugly feelings off soon because its eating me up inside ... Ugly feelings are in for a good fight.