A not so ordinary year ...

I was not actually expecting it will work and stay on for this long. I just made sure that I did my best with all the things I do... making sure that I do things out of what I feel and not expect anything in return. I am just living my life the way I want to live it. And with that I have more joy...

You are right, I have changed. When it was just me, it was all about me. My time, my effort, my concerns, my thoughts, etc. are all for me. But I love the way I am now because I have a lot more to offer.

Yes, I have changed. I don't usually laugh at small things. Now, things that remind me of you make me smile. Things that remind me of you are small things but they are powerful enough to lift me up when I feel trashy.

It's been a year now... It could have been another year. It could have been an ordinary year. Thanks to you, it has been extraordinary.

What Boredom does ...

While waiting for my vampire to finish her work at the cemetery, I got bored. A lot of things went inside my mind ... hmmm... eat.... hmmm ... escalations...wait! I'm done with escalations. Hmm... will update my blog.

I'll just write about my 7 pet peeves (in no particular order) ...

1. Dirty nails .... Grrrrr! Can you just cut your finger so that you will not have nails to mind. So gross! A nail clipper is not that expensive. Just so you'll know...

2. Unwashed dishes ... It really pisses me off when I see dirty dishes on the sink. WHY? WHY?... You are asking me why? Because it is a magnet for crawling creatures (rodents, ants, bugs, worms, etc...). I am not squeamish (most people I know are but have no right to be... ), I just do not want to be devoting my time crushing crawling things manually. Sometimes I do the darnedest things when I see crawling creatures and the worst is I could burn the house down. So as much as possible I keep the sink empty and clean.

3. Clutter ... is a very good indication that the occupant is a slob. The more clutter the room has, pinaka-slob na jud to sya to the nth power... Oh! And another thing, you cannot actually move well if the place is cluttered because you might accidentally touch or move something that's toxic (well, toxic na sya because dugay na man na xa na kalat diha, so ang mga germs nag-mutate na...). Sheesh! Even my laundry is folded. Tsk tsk tsk ...


4. Cramped spaces like elevators ... I'm claustrophobic. I will feel my world spin when I ride an elevator. Plus, the little girl who is barefoot is always there, she tugs at my bag sometimes. If only everyone can see her ...

5. Got stood-up or late ... Sabot gani, sabot! Unless hapit naka mamatay, maligis, or you went on a loo-hopping spree (isanitize ... euphemism dayon!) or basin really nakalimot jud ka kay napakong imong agtang sa pader (nganong napakong man sad?) ... If that thing happens, a escribo de aviso should be sent. Text lang po an hour before the agreed time, saying that you cannot come on time because of certain inevitable circumstances. Just so, that I could stop waiting and save myself precious time and effort.

6. Mga tawo na manluwa ... Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! Can you just swallow it please. You could raise Yersinia Pistis from the dead. Do you need water? I can get water for you ...

7. Show-off ... Ackh! Save me. Worms will eat what you have anyway... I'd rather sleep.


Yey! My vampire is out of the cemetery ... I smell blood. Let me check her loot. :)

Plain sham ...

Someone once told me, "If it's an external source that gives you self-esteem, you can be sure it's counterfeit. Trying to live up to society's standards is one of the most powerful contributors to a false sense of self-worth."

It actually makes sense since measuring up to a certain standard alters your character, making you not "you". It's altered, almost adulterated.... Everyone is just like a body of water. On the surface it may appear barren and uninteresting. Under it lies a lot, your "self". It takes a lot of courage to take a plunge or even just test the waters, if you know what I mean.. What I see is you are trying to fit in. So now, convince me you are not COUNTERFEIT.

Boohoo ...

Stars and rooftops...

Haven't been writing lately and I know it would be easier to blame it on work (big grin...). Not been thinking too much too since I went home and got back here. I go home every after my shift tired but the feeling that I have someone to go home to unloads half of my stress. There had been shuffling at the office and also new appointees were named, somehow pictures (perhaps people...) are now falling into the right places. From an observer's point, changes here are for the better... I still get to smile (or scoff...) on stupid customers who does not know how to use their computer, moreover configure it's settings (... and they hail their country as a superpower, hehehe). Just happy that I do not have hang-ups with anybody. I can sleep well and wake up without guilts. I have peace of mind and I just don't know why. All I know is I'm loved. I'll still be looking at stars on my rooftop on a clear (and even cloudy...) sky.

On being 40 ...

They say that love is overrated .. Perhaps, yes. Just think that you cannot mold gold into something very pretty and exquisite if you do not heat it to melt it.

I am excited to go home on the 19th. It is my parent's 40th wedding anniversary on the 20th of this month and I heard that they want to renew their vows.

According to my dad, their marriage was not one made from heaven. Everyone in the clan knows that my mom is really tough, they say she's a real pain in the ass, stubborn and a bully. Through my Lola's story I learned that my mom's playmates will go home with their noses bleeding or their clothes torn after a fight. Stories that I do not actually believe because she is one soft person to me, very compassionate, caring and thoughtful. She gets us all four of her kids ready for school in a couple of hours (with the aid of my dad of course, he handles the cooking while my mom does all the school work and the clothes). Plus she has to work to send all of us to school.

My Lola told me that when my dad was asking for my mom's hand in marriage, Lola told my dad that Constance (my mom) is one tough nut to crack, oftentimes pushy and very stubborn. My Lola asked him if he can handle that. My dad still said yes...

For my dad, it is with my mom that he felt that it is time to stop running around. He loves my mom and he decided that he will spend the rest of his life with this woman... To make the story short, my dad experienced all what Lola told him about my mom. After giving birth, my mom will do nothing. All household chores are relegated to my dad for 4 months. He washes all the clothes (including diapers that has baby poop on it), cooks and cleans the house while my mom takes care of the baby. My mom said she did not hear any complains from my dad. Well, maybe it was his decision to take care of all the things that needs to be done inside the house. Nobody told him to .... he just did. They almost broke up but decided to get back together. My dad said he cannot leave my mom because he cannot imagine himself growing old without her... My dad got hospitalized and was diagnosed with acute lymphoma. My mom never left his side.

Until now I still see them tickling each other (at the kitchen) or their eyes will meet and they'll both smile. They still eat together nya dugay mahuman ang dinner or lunch kay nagtabi pa silang duha, giggling while talking.... My dad is 67 and mom is 64.

I have three siblings and we grew up complete. The girls and the youngest guy have mom's temperament. My kuya has my dad's soft character.... If I need to say something to my Nanay and Tatay, that would be Thank You...... because I am whole.

The Hard Lessons on Love and Men… by Aileen Endaya

1. A man won’t let go if he really loves you.

Do not hold on to someone who has let go of you. He does not love you and does not value having you. Believe me, he will not let go if he really loves you. There is another reason he is not willing to tell.

2. Do not look for reasons why he ended the relationship.

There is only one reason why he ended your relationship. He just does not love you. Do not waste your time thinking of reasons or what you should have done. Move on and be open to a man who will truly love you.

3. Do not get hang up on your past.

Do not nag or distrust your current boyfriend just because your ex hurt you. Do not treat him or the relationship the same way. Do not compare. He will not react the same way as your ex. Do not be worried that your simple mistakes will cause him to look for another girl. What happened with your ex was not your fault. It was not because you didn’t guard him enough or you didn’t make him happy enough.

4. Do not look into images.

How many times have you met a girl who didn’t have the best image in school or at the office, but you get to know the girl and found out she was actually extremely nice? Do not rely on images. Oftentimes, it is far from reality. Do not fear men just because your “supposedly” perfect ex-boyfriend mistreated you.

5. Always have your own set of rules.

Set your limits on how far you’d go for a guy. It’s perfectly ok to give and do everything as long as it’s worth it. And it’s worth it if the guy is treating you right.

6. Do not be scared to lose him.

Don’t be scared that he’ll break up with you. Once you are afraid of losing him, you easily can be taken advantage. Be strong and if something is unacceptable, do not accept it and speak up.

7. Avoid calling your guy.

It’s a guy thing. The relationship will definitely be better if it’s the guy who’s calling, not the girl. He will get tired of you if you keep on calling. He will lose interest and challenge. More so, he will get annoyed. But it’s a girl thing also that your fingers get too itchy until you dial his number. But avoid as much as possible. Call only if really needed (like checking if your suspicions are reasonable).

8. There is a guy who will value you.

There is a guy out there who can make you feel valued, appreciated, and loved. And I mean, not just during your first few weeks together. So don’t lose hope. Don’t settle for a lesbian if you are not attracted to women. There is a man out there who can love you like a girl can (*wink*).

Also, do not believe him when he says it’s just the way he really is. He’s not the sweet or expressive-type. Remember during your first few weeks together? Where has that sweet guy gone? He simply is not that into you anymore.

9. Always be the only one, no matter what.

Do not ever fall for a guy who has another girl, be it his wife, girlfriend, or any girl that he says he just can’t get rid of for whatever reason. If you truly believe that he loves you and for some reason, he can’t leave or let go of another girl, then you are no different from any ordinary mistress.

10. He must respect you.

No matter how long the relationship has been, he should always show respect towards you.

11. If he fooled you, end it.

Philandering once is enough. You can never trust nor respect the person again.

12. Never start a relationship the wrong way.

Do not steal another girl’s man, for whatever reason. Nor should you enter a relationship for the wrong reasons (loneliness, on the rebound, getting back at your ex, man-dependency, etc.) it is bound not to last. You will only end up wasting more years of your life.

13. Do not force yourself into a relationship.

Do not get into a relationship just because your friends are getting impatient with your dating escapades and the one hasn’t come yet. Do not choose who to say yes to based on superficial things like money, looks, cars, etc.. If you are even thinking of these things, you have not fallen in love yet.

14. Do not settle.

If you are not happy anymore with your relationship, break up instantly. He will not stay with you forever no matter how upright he might seem to be. Eventually, he will also want love and happiness in his life.

15. A relationship has to have love.

Love is the only thing that will push you to give your efforts into making the relationship work. And believe me, keeping a relationship requires genuine efforts of both parties.

16. Don’t be afraid to be single.

It’s fun to be single, try it. You can go out whenever and wherever you want. You are free. You can date whomever you want and you get to go out for free! Do not get a boyfriend just for the sake of having one. Do not settle.

17. Be a good girl.

Be a good girl to attract a good guy. Enter the relationship with sincere intentions. Take the guy and the relationship seriously with the plan of spending the rest of your life with that person (of course, this is after you had your bit of fun in your younger years). If you compare your flings from your real relationships, you will know that the latter makes you happier and more fulfilled.

18. Love without limits.

Whether you loved and gave everything or loved but held out for some things, if the relationship ends, you still get hurt. But if you gave your everything, you were happy and you could say that it was worth it. If you didn’t give your all, you get hurt for nothing.

19. You will get over him.

Love is over-stated. Love eventually ends and you are free to love another.

20. Be the one.

Act like you are the one. Don’t be a nagger. Don’t hinder his gimmicks. Don’t give in to him too easily. Make him treat you as important. Don’t be easy. Don’t be like every other girl he had in his life.

========

Thanks to Jeby Dayola...

Sin... A discussion with a mouse

A tumid thing to talk about because who is without it... Aye! The first sentence is a statement, no intentions whatsoever, hidden or otherwise, to make it interrogative in a manner or so implicitly as with the subject itself. Now, straight to the discussion with a clown, or a mouse, not sure eh ... I am sorry he seems disfigured that I cannot make up what form he is taking, albeit I can see him standing in front of me. Weird isn't it? I am affirmative into saying that I am not intoxicated, nauseous or suffering from any maladie that could hinder my mind from functioning with logic. I can assure you that I am prudent and this article I owe to the clown or the mouse or whatever he is, though I need prodding to write this discussion (pray, hear me that it was not a discussion, as it appears to me for it was just him who's babbling..) down. For whatever reason he made this discussion, I honestly cannot fathom .

He said (holding the Bible ...) under Proverbs 6:16-19, it is stated that "These six things doth the Lord hate:yea, seven are an abomination unto him.." Here it is as enumerated:
= (17) A proud look
= a lying tongue
= and hands that shed innocent blood
=(18) A heart that deviseth wicked imaginations
= feet that be swift in running to mischief
= (19) A false witness that speaketh lies,
= and he that soweth discord among brethren.

He further added that there is no where in the Bible where the traditional deadly "seven sins' are located or listed, but a given that they are all condemned in various parts along with several others. The only one clear thing in the Bible is that there is only one cardinal sin, an act that disobeys God's law that separates man from a perfect God, placing him in need of redemption and salvation. In another article by Dante Alighieri, basing his thoughts on St. Thomas Aquinas dissertation (the mouse or clown does not want to name the literature where this so-called dissertation is included...), hubris or vanity (pride) is considered as the most serious of the seven deadly sins. The need to feel more important than the others. Dante's definition for pride is stated as "love of self perverted to hatred and contempt for one's neighbor."

The clown ... er ... mouse, whatsoever, further now into the discussion cited Bishop Gianfranco Girotti's (head of the Apostolic Penitentiary of the Vatican..) seven modern sins : environmental pollution, obscene wealth, infliction of poverty, drug trafficking, morally debatable experiments, and the violation of the fundamental rights of human nature. There is also a new set of sins in the book of Galatians (5:21 of the New Testament): envyings, murders, drunkenness, revellings, and such like, as I have told you in time past, that they which do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God. The list of the so-called deadly sins is getting longer and longer. I am getting wheezy now.

Whoah...Stop, please hold your thoughts, I told the mouse .. or the clown, whatever.... just what are you trying to insinuate? I asked him ...

He just smiled and blurted a question (instead of an answer) ... Who proposes the criteria of sin? ... I said people.
He laughed ... And to who do you think these criteria are imposed on? ... I said on people...

Then he gave me a toothy grin ... He has become more like a clown now that he is grinning... He stood up laughing and took his leave... His laugh echoing along the walls wherein landscape paintings hang.

haunted people ....

She seemed to be suspended in eerie silence. All walled up in a world that is vast yet empty... Walls she herself made. Hoping to drown the loud crack of lighting outside and rain. It's just so dark ... so dark.

She ran away when she was just 14. Left a home that is cold and has never been like a home to her. Lived in the city and tried her best to live the life she wanted. Living on money sent by an aunt. She made ends meet by skipping meals and walking from a rented place to her school. She went to college and finished her major. Made friends and loved a guy. Now she can't even remember her mom's face...

She has a sister... biologically they were sisters ... but then, that's just it. She has been ranting about what her sister achieved... A sister who is a Philippine Military Academy graduate and now a Philippine Naval officer. Here I am sitting in front of her, one she considers a friend but it appears like she cannot see me. Her lips are moving just as fast as her thoughts... Ranting ... Oblivious of a presence. Claiming the space and the air... I can feel her anger... The air is starting to get bitter. "I can actually leave anybody now including Dan, I have no hesitations. I don't want anybody on my way when I want something ... I am tired of taking care of people ... ". Her words are cold. Her chest heaving like she just ran ...

As I leave my workstation that day, I realized that no matter how you ran away from your past, it always has a way of catching up with you. She may think that she left her past but she took it with her. Her anger and the bitterness are obviously from her past ...

It's the worst case scenario of someone who's trying to escape from the past. It eventually consumes the person and ends up empty. The past just hovers around and does not go away ... ever.

I just hope that she wakes up from her sleep... Now that she is talking to her sister for the first time in 15 years.

Your Laughter ...

Just want to share this moving poem by Pablo Neruda ...

Your Laughter

Take bread away from me, if you wish,
take air away, but
do not take from me your laughter.

Do not take away the rose,
the lance flower that you pluck,
the water that suddenly
bursts forth in joy,
the sudden wave
of silver born in you.

My struggle is harsh and I come back
with eyes tired
at times from having seen
the unchanging earth,
but when your laughter enters
it rises to the sky seeking me
and it opens for me all
the doors of life.

My love, in the darkest
hour your laughter
opens, and if suddenly
you see my blood staining
the stones of the street,
laugh, because your laughter
will be for my hands
like a fresh sword.

Next to the sea in the autumn,
your laughter must raise
its foamy cascade,
and in the spring, love,
I want your laughter like
the flower I was waiting for,
the blue flower, the rose
of my echoing country.

Laugh at the night,
at the day, at the moon,
laugh at the twisted
streets of the island,
laugh at this clumsy
boy who loves you,
but when I open
my eyes and close them,
when my steps go,
when my steps return,
deny me bread, air,
light, spring,
but never your laughter
for I would die.

Pablo Neruda

Grateful ...

1. For the husband who snores all night, because he is at home asleep with me and not with someone else.

2. For my teenage daughter who is complaining about doing dishes because that means she is at home & not on the streets.

3. For the taxes that I pay because it means that I am employed.

4. For the mess to clean after a party because it means that I have been surrounded by friends.

5. For the clothes that fit a little too tight because it means I have enough to eat.

6. For my shadow that watches me work because it means I am out in the sunshine.

7. For a floor that needs mopping, and windows that need cleaning because it means I have a home.

8. For all the complaining I hear about the government because it means that we have freedom of speech.

9. For the parking spot I find at the far end of the parking lot because it means I am capable of walking and that I have been blessed with transportation.

10. For the noise I have to bear from my neighbors because it means that I can hear.

11. For the pile of laundry and ironing because it means I have clothes to wear.

12. For weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day because it means I have been capable of working hard.

13. For the arguments because it means that I can still think.

14. For the times that I get to wait for someone because it means that I am not late.

14. For the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours because it means that I am alive.

======

Thanks to Van for sharing ...

People I miss ...

Friends that I miss (in no particular order) ...

Laarni B.
- miss her smile that reminds me of Cameron Diaz
- she laughs hard and sleeps hard...
- the girl in the barkada that has the most suitors

Maricris C.
- I miss her chinky eyes na mawala once she smiles or laughs
- I like looking at her hair, dili xa black kau. It was brown and fine.

Alma A.
- My bestfriend in the whole wide world!
- I really laugh hard whenever I'm with this girl. She is very funny that you'd end up with a painful stomach and cheeks.
- I miss seeing her eat like a guy. I think she has compartments in her stomach, just like a cow's stomach.
- I miss eating ice cream with her. We eat a pint of ice cream in one sitting just for kicks. Wala lang trip lang gud... hehehe
- Afflicted with "autism" just like me...
- this girl introduced me to Shakira and Bond (the violin girls quartet)

Marilie H.
- I miss her kakikayan, the bangles and the bangs.
- I miss her novels. Romance and Nancy Drew novels which I totally love.

Bernice H.
- I miss her feisty mouth. She may have a frail body but mataray ning bayhana. She fights for me even if she is smaller than me ...

Marty L.
- My track buddy who became my mentor in the field.

Macy J.
- My personal shrink. She helps me become a bit more sane.

Abigail V.
- First Tagalog person I understood. It's not I don't understand Tagalog, I just don't like hearing it kay murag hambug sya ug dating.
- First person who called me BALIW. But loves me nonetheless.

Abby G.
- Miss our Beverly Hills 90210 exchange of views. I still have the card you gave me for my birthday, can't remember though where I put it.. hehehe

Polding S.
- One of my bestfriends.. Miss your lugaw with tinap-an flakes. But guess he doesn't like me the way I am because I haven't heard of him for 3 years now.Hmmpft!

Victor T.
- Miss this guy's gross jokes. I got my pranks from him.

Pagay B.
- Miss this guy's antics with girls, can't help but smile because even if he already looks stupid he'll hold his ground for as long as he can.

Malee
- Miss my buddy... Babaero but sincere.
- Daghan syag wallet and each wallet has a picture of a girl. He makes sure that he brings the right wallet when he goes out to dates... hehehe.

Beth R.
- Malee's great love.
- Love her cooking, specially her adobo.
- Mother to 3 wonderful kids.

Jundy
- My adopted brother
- Weakness is girls
- First guy I know who gets teary eyed whenever he sees his wife. He gets teary eyed daw because he cannot believe that he is the husband of this wonderful girl. CHAR!

Jimmy L.
- Thank you for catching me from that very high drop bro.
- I miss your contagious laughter and the coffee.
- I miss your punches on my sides too.


Wherever you may be guys (and gals), you still cross my mind and I just hope that we can get to meet sometime and do the things that we love doing.

Delicadeza

Got to work almost late today and was racing my ugly butt down the floor to get to my workstation fast.I felt good because I was able to clock in at exactly 12noon.I opened my tools and since cannot open this one tool again, I changed my gateway.

I was already settled on my cube,when a personal message came up. Hmm ... Since when did Cindy send me a personal message? Di ba she is in the States? There could be something wrong ... "Seth, musta? Haven't heard from you in such a long time..." The cursor was flashing. Told her I'm doing good but asked her if she is in the U.S. She said yes. She said that they are graduating from culinary school this fall and might come back to Tacloban for a quick vacation on November or December...

Cindy is a close friend of Andi. They go to gym together, play bowling together, exchange cars ...

She asked why have I distanced myself from Andi which appears like waray pa ko ka-get over. I found the question too straightforward but nonetheless good because I can clarify myself and come out clean.Told her ka-get over naman ko. I just have so much respect to the person I am involved with now, it's just pure delicadeza.

It's just sad that not too many people have that...

Grumpy me ...

I didn't actually understand what I felt. I just wanted something and it turned out I am being selfish.

These are one of the few times that I hate myself... for being so touchy... for being so clingy... for being so tactless ...

for being so inconsiderate...

Yeah.. I am ashamed of myself. The tears you shed became my slap and knew instantly that I ruined your morning. It should have been a very gorgeous morning...

but I ruined it.

For that, I am sorry.

Of Seasons ...

As I was clearing my files, i came across this picture of a tree. The picture looks so sad. On the middle of a wide green space, it's the only thing that stands. It has been witness to the passing of seasons. Though it may appear withered and slowly living it's last days, I think it's life has not been sad and solitary. The sky, the sun and the ground are there to give the tree it's needs ... So can I totally say that it lived it's life with resignation and contentment?

Hope you heard the story about the phoenix.

Faith Hill - Breathe (Video)

feel good video ...

posting this song as it was requested ...



I can feel the magic floating in the air
Being with you gets me that way
I watch the sunlight dance across your face
And i've never been this swept away
All my thoughts just seem to settle on the breeze
When i'm lying wrapped up in your arms
The whole world just fades away
The only thing I hear
Is the beating of your heart

CHORUS:
Cause I can feel you breathe
It's washing over me
And suddenly i'm melting into you
There's nothing left to prove
Baby, all we need is just to be
Caught up in the touch
Slow and steady rush
Baby, isn't that the way that love's suppose to be
I can feel you breathe

In a way I know my heart is waking up
As all the walls come tumbling down
Closer than i've ever felt before
And I know, and you know
There's no need for words right now

CHORUS:

I can feel the magic floating in the air
Being with you gets me that way...